My reply:
Are you a Silence of the Lambs fan, or just plain crazy? 

What you should have done:
Last time I checked, Buffalo Bill wasn’t exactly the Casanova type, more like the psychotic serial killer type…not a good start.  Seek professional help before luring in your next victim.

My reply:
No no no, just NO!  You should be spanked for being so gross…no wait, you’d probably like that.

What you should have done:
Never in a million years should you have posted this on the Internet, but if you had to, try the “casual encounters” section of craigslist.  You can fulfil all of your red-bottomed dreams there, you naughty boy you.

My reply:
At the age of 24, I would hope that a man would be able to:
1. Type with real words (honestly, how hard is it to type “for?”)
2. Be able to pick up his own women without the health of his sister…unless he was special needs and if so, my bad.

What you should have done:
Use your shyness to your advantage, odds are girls will find it charming.  It’s flattering!  And that’s probably the reason she didn’t call, so try the direct approach next time.

My reply:
Oh wow, were you wearing a shirt that said “Trust me, I’m a doctor” on it, too?  Or maybe one of those “Certified OBGYN” shirts.  Come on, you’re a medical student now and women will swoon over that fact, you don’t need corny pick-up lines.

What you should have done:
I guess you can’t use your work to your advantage due to doctor-patient confidentiality, but usually people go to a doctor because they’re sick, or because they think they’re sick…doesn’t sound like the healthiest place to meet a woman.  Drop the “I’m a doctor” fact to girls you meet outside of the office, then give them a “free exam” after taking them home.  Cornball.

My reply:
Wow, an exquisite cat huh? Until she coughs up a hairball that is. And apparently “Jeder Engel is schrecklich” is from a poem by the late Rainer Maria Rilke , you’re so artsy omg! Spilling your tortured heart through the medium of your choice, oh Craigslist Missed Connections you cathartic void.

Roughly translated into English it reads:

Every angel is terrible.
And still, alas
knowing all that
I serenade you
you almost deadly birds of the soul.

Bravo for capturing Missed Connections so perfectly, Rilke. Although I don’t believe that’s what he intended his art to be used for, seeing as how he died in 1926.

What you should have done:
You know what you should do? Send her that poem. Write it in a pretty card and leave it for her somewhere or give it to her next time you see her. Add a little something of yourself to the note too letting her know why you can’t stay away from her, just don’t call her an exquisite cat anymore please.

My Reply:
You poor, naive little man. At the tender age of 20, I can understand why you would think that a half naked girl (or completely naked is you were at Show and Tell) would be interested in you…hell, getting them naked is 95% of the battle. But you have to remember that strippers get paid to trick men into thinking they’ve won the battle and from the sounds of it, you paid her rent this month.

What you should have done:
As a general Rule of Thumb: Never try to take home a stripper.If you happen to meet a stripper after hours and you hit it off, good for you, run with it then. Chances are though, if she’s showing interest in the club it’s because she can smell a sucker over all of the beer and hoo-has.

My reply:
Wow…I think that mental image just gave me indigestion. That’s the last time I read Missed Connections after lunch!

What you should have done:
To the hairy-legged woman: Shave that shit! If you want your legs to stay warm during winter wear pants…real pants, not fur pants! That way you won’t get stalked by creepy guys with hair fettishes. 

And to the creepy guy: Get a cat! Wait, nevermind, that’s animal cruelty. Get a therapist!