Hiatus

I’ll be on hiatus until 3-30; my marine is coming home from a 7 month deployment

Make a Missed Connection pt. II – m4w (center city)

Post:
OK, I’m going to try this experiment again… I’ll be having lunch today between 1:30 and 2:00 at the Ikea in South Philly.

Will be reading the weekly papers, probably having the pasta unless something else strikes my fancy.

So come by, check me out, and then post or e-mail back about how we didn’t connect…

I’ll also be looking around today in case there is someone there I don’t connect with (but would like to).

My reply:
A Missed Connection can’t happen when you’re expecting it, that’s what the whole “missed” part stands for!  That’s like fishing for compliments, it’s just not as sincere.  Shame on you for damaging this sanctity!

What you should have done:
Girls should neverbe the ones to come to you.  If you think chivalry is dead then you’re completely wrong, which is probably why you’re attempting to pre-emptively plan Missed Connections.  Go watch some chick flicks and take notes!

Rebecca and J – m4w (philly)

Post:
i want to peel off your skin and make a baseball glove. just like the old days.

My reply:
Are you a Silence of the Lambs fan, or just plain crazy? 

What you should have done:
Last time I checked, Buffalo Bill wasn’t exactly the Casanova type, more like the psychotic serial killer type…not a good start.  Seek professional help before luring in your next victim.

REBECCA – m4w (pa)

Post:
i want to take off your pants and slap you around

My reply:
No no no, just NO!  You should be spanked for being so gross…no wait, you’d probably like that.

What you should have done:
Never in a million years should you have posted this on the Internet, but if you had to, try the “casual encounters” section of craigslist.  You can fulfil all of your red-bottomed dreams there, you naughty boy you.

very cute girl working at Target – m4w – 24 (near Castor & Aramingo aves.)

Post:
i thought u were super attractive! u helped me look 4 gel 4 my hair. (u even made a joke about the L.A. Looks brand) ok, i have a question… is it because i made my sister give u my number? i know it looks bad on me, but trust me, it would’ve gone really bad if i did it, lol. if i did i would’ve said nuthing or just a mouth full of stutters (cute girls make me very nervous) i really wish u called. =[

My reply:
At the age of 24, I would hope that a man would be able to:
1. Type with real words (honestly, how hard is it to type “for?”)
2. Be able to pick up his own women without the health of his sister…unless he was special needs and if so, my bad.

What you should have done:
Use your shyness to your advantage, odds are girls will find it charming.  It’s flattering!  And that’s probably the reason she didn’t call, so try the direct approach next time.

You: Cute brown haired girl seeing Family Doc Me: Brown haired student – m4w – 25 (Center City)

Post:
Loved seeing you in the waiting room, despite staring at each other too bad we couldn’t ever get a chance to talk. Free exam, anytime..

My reply:
Oh wow, were you wearing a shirt that said “Trust me, I’m a doctor” on it, too?  Or maybe one of those “Certified OBGYN” shirts.  Come on, you’re a medical student now and women will swoon over that fact, you don’t need corny pick-up lines.

What you should have done:
I guess you can’t use your work to your advantage due to doctor-patient confidentiality, but usually people go to a doctor because they’re sick, or because they think they’re sick…doesn’t sound like the healthiest place to meet a woman.  Drop the “I’m a doctor” fact to girls you meet outside of the office, then give them a “free exam” after taking them home.  Cornball.

To the pill popping mom who couldnt stop touching me in court… – m4w – 21 (philly court)

Post:
Hello there woman i do not remember the name of, whom i met in philadelphia community court. I was the young attractive male fighting a false case and you were the woman who would not stop tugging my hair, chewing plastic, massaging my legs, eating peanuts, passing out while standing, and mumbling in court, i just wanna say thanks for the hand sanitizer, and also i appreciate you dumping out your purse in the middle of the court room to find me a dirty mint, from the bottom of your purse, for no reason without me even asking.

Its so refreshig to know that even the derilict of philadelphia can be generous and nice…

My reply:
No words, this is just an awesome post.

What you should have done:
Sounds like love at first site, get em tiger! And by “tiger” i mean the crazy lady…perharps I should say ”cougar” instead. Get em cougar! 

melanie – m4w (greenline cafe)

Post:
You are so serene and enchanting. Graceful as an exquisite cat. It is delightful to see you move. “Jeder Engel is schrecklich.” Hmm. I don’t know anymore.

My reply:
Wow, an exquisite cat huh? Until she coughs up a hairball that is. And apparently “Jeder Engel is schrecklich” is from a poem by the late Rainer Maria Rilke , you’re so artsy omg! Spilling your tortured heart through the medium of your choice, oh Craigslist Missed Connections you cathartic void.

Roughly translated into English it reads:

Every angel is terrible.
And still, alas
knowing all that
I serenade you
you almost deadly birds of the soul.

Bravo for capturing Missed Connections so perfectly, Rilke. Although I don’t believe that’s what he intended his art to be used for, seeing as how he died in 1926.

What you should have done:
You know what you should do? Send her that poem. Write it in a pretty card and leave it for her somewhere or give it to her next time you see her. Add a little something of yourself to the note too letting her know why you can’t stay away from her, just don’t call her an exquisite cat anymore please.

Stripper in CC club – m4w – 20 (Center City)

Post:
You were in a strip club interested in coming back to my place free of charge. Get back to me with your physical details and what club…

My Reply:
You poor, naive little man. At the tender age of 20, I can understand why you would think that a half naked girl (or completely naked is you were at Show and Tell) would be interested in you…hell, getting them naked is 95% of the battle. But you have to remember that strippers get paid to trick men into thinking they’ve won the battle and from the sounds of it, you paid her rent this month.

What you should have done:
As a general Rule of Thumb: Never try to take home a stripper.If you happen to meet a stripper after hours and you hit it off, good for you, run with it then. Chances are though, if she’s showing interest in the club it’s because she can smell a sucker over all of the beer and hoo-has.

Extremely attractive Hairy woman at franklin mills – m4w (Franklin Mills)

Post:
I saw you and we made eye contact, You had the most sexy hairy legs ive ever seen , If you see this lets meet up I can give amazing leg massages

My reply:
Wow…I think that mental image just gave me indigestion. That’s the last time I read Missed Connections after lunch!

What you should have done:
To the hairy-legged woman: Shave that shit! If you want your legs to stay warm during winter wear pants…real pants, not fur pants! That way you won’t get stalked by creepy guys with hair fettishes. 

And to the creepy guy: Get a cat! Wait, nevermind, that’s animal cruelty. Get a therapist!